Thankful. Grateful. Blessed.

1 Chronicles  16:34 – Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his loves endures forever.

Thankful. Grateful. Blessed.

I see those words often; on notebooks, mugs or in other random signage.  It seems that those 3 simple words have become a catchy slogan, a cliché term that is stated but not always felt.  This time of year always seems to be a time of reflection for me.  It forces me to look back on Thanksgiving 2013 and how that day changed my life forever.

As I sat cuddling my barely 5 lb., baby another fight broke out with his father.  This man that I had married not even 2 years early, this man I thought I knew so well, was now nothing more than a stranger.  I didn’t know him anymore, barely even recognized him.  The evil that had filled his heart and made it so extremely hard, also made him unrecognizable.  It was Thanksgiving Day and we should’ve been preparing to spend time with family and celebrating the birth of our brand new baby.  This Thanksgiving season should have been precious and full of joy but instead, we were fighting (once again) about his unfaithfulness and addiction.  My parents were out of town, visiting my grandparents for the holiday, so I decided to take my sweet newborn to their house for some peaceful snuggles.  A couple hours later, my husband called to tell me he was bringing my 2 step-children to me because they wanted to be with me, not him, which was par for the course.  He dropped them off a short while later and we had a peaceful afternoon – just me and my 3 boys.

We decided to head home around dinner time, hoping their father would be in a better mood and we could enjoy the evening together.  When we walked in the house, he was sitting in a chair in front of the fireplace, staring at the wall.  When he saw us, he grabbed his shoes and headed for the door, saying nothing at all.  My middle son asked, “Daddy, where are you going”, only to get the response of a door slamming.  A few hours went by before I decided to call him and see when he’d be back but there was no answer and his phone went straight to voicemail.  I called a few times over the next couple of hours only for the outcome to be the same each time.  It wasn’t until the next morning, when I went to get dressed, that I realized his clothes were also gone.  I figure he must’ve gone to a friend’s house, or maybe even to see his parents but when days started passing and no one had heard from him, I realized something was wrong.  My best friend had flown into town to meet my new son, so was trying to keep me busy while awaiting his return.  She suggested I check our bank account to see if he left a “paper trail” of where he’d been.  When I checked our account, it showed 2 withdrawals; 1 from an ATM and 1 from a branch in Seattle leaving me with $0.00; 3 children, no husband, and no money.  Everything started to spin, I was struggling to keep my balance, the voices around me became more muffled and harder to decipher as I tried to come to grips with the fact that my husband left me…

It’s been 4 years since that reality yet every Thanksgiving, it brings up feelings I wish I could erase.  The pain of abandonment is still very real.  Yet, the worst part is the pain that surfaces due to losing my 2 step-children, who had only ever known me as their mother.  See, my husband decided to come back later in December and after more abuse, neglect, unfaithfulness and counseling he refused to participate in, the marriage I’d been trying to hang on to ended by way of divorce.  His final attempt to hurt me, scar me for life, was to take my 2 step-children away from me, not allowing me to be any part of their lives.  Those 2 boys had been my heart and soul, my whole world.  Yes, I was abundantly blessed with my own, biological child but to not have all 3 of my children was a crushing blow.  For my new baby to not only grow up without a father but without his brothers seemed like too much pain for me even to bear.

My heart still hurts over the loss of my 2 boys – even more so since I found out one of them is in foster care now, the other turning 21 next month.  I hate the moments I’m missing in their lives.  I hate how their father hasn’t only hurt me but devastated their lives too.  I hate how bitterness and the evil things of this world cause so much undue destruction.  I keep a box full of cards, pictures and precious memories of my 2 other children.  I have a pair of each of their shorts and gifts that they’ve given me.  I even have a notebook with a sticker in it from my oldest that reads, “Best Mom Ever”.  I take these items out from time-to-time and although each time, the pain of missing them takes my breath away, I love hearing their laughter in my mind and reminiscing over the years I had them with me.  I learned so much from them and am beyond grateful for the time God gave them to me.  Wondering if they’d be “ok” without me used to keep me up at night until I realized I needed to turn them over to Jesus – after all, nothing in this world is really ours anyways.  Job 1:21 reminds us that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away – nothing is ours for the keeping – and we are to praise Him all the same.  I will grieve the loss of my 2 boys for the rest of my days.  I will always pray for them, love them and consider them mine.  I have no idea how I will one day explain to my son that he has 2 brothers or share the pain that took place in the first year of his life, what I do know is that I will continue to trust Jesus through it all.  Jeremiah 29:11 clearly states that God’s plan for us is to prosper us and not to harm us.  I hold tight to that truth.  Luke 1:45, although speaking directly about Jesus’ mother, Mary, also speaks to my soul; “Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord”.  I believe what was spoken in Jeremiah 29, was spoken to me, just like it was to you.  That is my promise from my Father and it is what I believe.

Thankful.  Grateful. Blessed.  Those 3 words have deep meaning in my life.  I am thankful for the freedom given to me when my husband walked out.  I’m thankful that I was freed from an abusive marriage and that my son will not know the dysfunction that would’ve been his life had we stayed together.  I’m grateful for the time I had my 2 boys and was able to speak love and light into their lives.  I’m grateful for what each of them taught me, the mama snuggles they gave and the love for them that will always live in my heart.  I’m blessed that God gave me my biological son.  I’m blessed that the judge gave me full custody of him.  I’m blessed he is protected, healthy and safe.  I’m blessed for the strength, courage and wisdom I’ve gained over the last 4 years and how the experiences have shaped and molded me.

I have no regrets marrying my ex-husband.  I’m thankful he shared his children with me, I’m grateful for the memories with them that he is unable to take away and I’m blessed that he gave me my son.  As a good friend of mine, Michelle, says, “Life is a gift.  Love is the point”.  Through my marriage, that was accomplished so for that, I’m..

Thankful

Grateful

Blessed

I’ve truly learned that life is what you make it – life is a choice and I choose to live.